When your unemployment benefits dry up, that's when it's time to move back in with your parents. And that's what I'll be doing come August 1st. I just found out today that the check I received on July 5th was my last check from Unemployment. It would have been nice if I had received some kind of warning, but alas, Unemployment doesn't feel that to be necessary. Good ol' Unemployment.
I wish I was rich.
This all seems so very surreal--and will continue this way until I'm actually out of here. It's sad, because I know, deep down, leaving Chicago means I will never live in this city again. This isn't because I don't think I'll get a job eventually and save up and move somewhere, but rather, it's due to the fact that it's too difficult to go back to a place where you feel like you have failed. Chicago and me are breaking up. For good.
I was never one of those people who was "in love" with this city. I mean, I like/d living in Chicago, but I've never been in love with it. The only place I felt that for was Rome (I know, how bougie of me). I like Chicago because it's not Madison. It's not my hometown. It's big. It's walkable. I have met some very great people here. It has become familiar.
However, my friendships here are nowhere near where I thought they would be after four years. I continue to feel like an outsider. I continue to feel like my presence doesn't matter to a lot of people (sorry to sound all mopey and emo). I guess this is what happens when you grow up. It's the realization that you'll never have friends like you did when you were younger--friends whom you can hangout with every other day.
And damnit, Chicago, you have been so hard on me! It's really difficult for me to look back on the "good" right now, so please excuse my negativity. Actually, fuck it. I can be "negative" if I want to. This shit is rough.
I'm so tired. So very tired of getting people to love me--of getting this city to love me. Maybe someday I'll move elsewhere. Who knows.
I can't wait for the day when I feel at peace and not in pieces.