Today marks two years since my breakup. This date will probably always be accessible to my brain. I'm someone who is good with remembering dates, whether they are bad or good, so I don't see myself forgetting this particular date anytime soon. 

Am I celebrating? Fuck yes, I am. You know why? Because I survived. 

Two years ago, my ex broke up with me claiming he didn't think he had the "time" for a relationship. I knew better than to believe this. We dated for 7 months, after all. His excuse is one you use after two. 

Through a third party, I found out he had been cheating on me with a 21-year-old bartender. I don't blame her (and I never have). They met because he tattooed her, and he told her he was single when he wasn't. 

After the breakup, I flirted with suicide. I flirted with removing myself from this world. I didn't really want to die, but I didn't want to be in the world any longer. It was a type of limbo that I had felt before, but not for a long time.

I never thought I would have been the type to react this way because of a breakup (as if there's a "type"). But after this experience, I realized how we can't possibly know how we'll handle something until we're in the thick of it. 

Apparently, my ex's substance abuse issues became even worse during his affair. He was doing "tons" of coke, and drinking excessively. He eventually broke up with the other woman after she wouldn't give him more money for coke. 

I reached out to her telling her I was sorry he had hurt her, and that he hurt me, too. I was greeted with a text from my ex telling me to "Stay clear" of his "friends."

I went through so much with this man. So fucking much. I still love him--the person I knew him to be when we first met, as I wrote about for Ravishly. No, I'm not still in love with him, but I will always love parts of him. He talked about marrying me--about having children with me. Part of me will always wonder what that life I almost had would have looked like...

He's married now--probably has children. I'm still very much single, but that's ok. I'm in no rush--well, kind of in no rush.

So, yes, I'm celebrating this day. My survival is more important than anything--it has to be. 

On this day, I love myself even harder. I love who I am. I love the person I've become--and the person I've always been. I still believe in love. I still believe in romance. I still believe I'm lovable.

Because I am.

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