I wonder what it's like to not feel every sensation in one's body. I have never known that, and I'm not sure I ever will.
Sometimes, I work to disassociate from my body. Sometimes, I find it necessary to try my best to NOT feel things.
Because, truthfully, I've never felt that I'm "OK."
Living in my body has been more difficult than not for me. I have some "better" days, but none are completely devoid of worrying about each and every sensation I feel.
This is what you get when you mix trauma + generalized anxiety + health anxiety. It's a horrendous pull into darkness. It's suffocating. It's exhausting. It's how I've been since I was 4 years old.
It's all I've ever known.
What would it feel like to be at peace in my body? To feel calm? To feel... nothing? Some days, I so badly want to feel numb.
I've never been able to trust my intuition, because it always seems to be telling me: "You're not well," "You're sick," "You're a mess," "You're a wreck," "You should go to the doctor," "You should stay home."
I'm the person who goes to the doctor if I have a cold (thank you, health insurance!)
I'm the person who stays home from work if I feel "off."
I'm the person who is terrified of hospitals and doctors, and yet, I go to them more than not.
It seems I've been on a quest my entire life to find what's "wrong" with me (because there must be something, right?)
How did I learn such a thing?
I don't have many answers. There are a few experiences that have led to this trauma; this helplessness; this radical darkness. I've been in therapy off and on. I take medication. Nothing really seems to do what I want it to do: allow me to leave my body.
So I know disassociation is typically not "good." But sometimes, I need to do it. I need to try to do it until I can be in a safe space. I've been working on myself for years. It never comes easily.
My body has never been the "problem." It has always been my mind.
And that terrifies me.