Like many women, I have had a love/hate relationship with my body for years. I've written before about having an eating disorder, as well as partaking in disordered eating (the two are somewhat different, in my opinion), and lately I've been noticing some disordered eating habits from my past return, as well as the general violence I inflict upon myself through my negative self-talk. It's all very troubling to me, because I (and others) see myself as this super strong feminist woman. And that's the thing... my feminism is about not giving a shit; not caring what others think; not bowing down to societal mainstream culture that tells me I must be a size 2 to be worthy of love. Thus, I feel like a feminist fraud when I have these feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem. I had the sanskrit word for non-violence, "Ahimsa", tattooed on my forearm to remind me to be kind to others as well as myself. It hurts knowing that I'm generally unkind to myself. I catch myself thinking things like, "If only I could chop off this part of my thighs, or slice off part of my belly, or make my nose smaller..." There is so much violence in these thoughts. The use of words like, "chop" or "slice" when thinking about my own body is abhorrent. It needs to stop. I need to stop.
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Guerrilla: a member of a band of irregular soldiers that uses guerrilla warfare, harassing the enemy by surprise raids, sabotaging communication and supply lines.
I used to think there was one type of female beauty: the ballet aesthetic.
I was a ballet and jazz dancer from the age of 7 until 20. Once I started developing, I became super aware of my body, and it didn't help that I spent 4-5 days a week studying this body of mine in front of miles upon miles of mirrors.
I'm really sick of these goddamn "rules" daters are supposed to abide by; mainly this one: women aren't supposed to call/text a guy until he calls/texts you first. I've talked to friends and family about these "rules," and surprisingly, all seem to be on the same page with "waiting." Not to sound like Veruca Salt, but what if I know what I want and I want it now? Do I just stifle those feelings and play the game? It hardly feels like I'm being true to myself when I do that. Also, I'm fucking impatient. If a guy gets undone by my texting him to hang out, then he's probably not the guy for me. I'm loud, I'm brash, I'm a no-nonsense woman. This has scared many men off in the past, but do I give a shit? No, because their "fleeing" proved they couldn't handle me.