I have made a lot of changes in the past two months, and if you're a person with anxiety, you know change REALLY can fuck us up for a time. Well, that's happening to me.
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I've been on medication since I was 17. I'm now 30. I've never been off of Zoloft as an adult, but does it matter?
I will always have a low buzzing of anxiety running through my blood. This I know for sure. I will always be working twice as hard as those who don't have mental illness just so I can appear normal. It makes me sad, sure, but... I guess I'm lucky: Lachrista Marie Greco never existed without anxiety--so I have no previous self to mourn.
But really, why are we so consumed with the desire to be seen as "strong" and not "weak"? What are we afraid of? Weakness is subjective. Strength is subjective. Caring what society thinks adds to the vicious cycle of anxiety/fear/trauma that so many of us deal with. Can't we all just agree already that all humans are vulnerable? And that all humans have this right to show that vulnerability without being judged? It reminds me of that Sleater-Kinney lyric, "We're all equal in the face of what we're most afraid of."
I wonder what it's like to not feel every sensation in one's body. I have never known that, and I'm not sure I ever will.
Sometimes, I work to disassociate from my body. Sometimes, I find it necessary to try my best to NOT feel things.
Because, truthfully, I've never felt that I'm "OK."
Living in my body has been more difficult than not for me. I have some "better" days, but none are completely devoid of worrying about each and every sensation I feel.