TW: sexual assault, physical abuse

 

I'm terrified of dating. 

It used to be kind of fun. During grad school, I pretty much had dinner paid for each night of the week (men are always wanting to invoke the very gendered and ancient "rules" surrounding dinner dates).

Dating has got me tired. Worse, it has hardened me. It has made me jaded and cynical and untrustworthy. 

It has, quite literally, assaulted me. 

About a month ago, I went on a date with a man I met on the oh-so horrendous site, OkCupid. We met for drinks. He seemed great--he was hilarious, flirty, intelligent, handsome, kind. I only drank half of my martini, because I rarely drink (especially with strangers). He had two martinis. He walked to the bar from his place--which was quite a long walk in the below zero Wisconsin cold.

I offered to drive him home.

(Is what happened to me my fault if I admit that I wanted to kiss him?)

I initially was not going to take his offer to "come inside", but when I saw where he lived--I changed my mind. You see, turns out, he lives in the house my boyfriend from two summers ago lived in. I thought, "This is too fucking ridiculous. I can't NOT go inside." I knew my ex was long gone, of course.

(Is what happened to me my fault if I admit that I wanted to kiss him)

He, luckily, was not living in my ex's old room--that would have been far too weird for me. We walked up the stairs to his bedroom, sat on the floor--he barely had any furniture. It looked like he was just moving in or just about to move out.

I sat on the floor. Him across from me. The owner of the house's cat was purring between us. He moved the cat out of the way to kiss me. It was nice. It was passionate. It got aggressive quickly.

(Is what happened to me my fault if I admit that I wanted to kiss him)

We moved to his bed, which was a twin-size air mattress. He rushed to shed me of my clothes. I didn't mind. He stayed clothed. He was on top of me. 

He held me down for a bit, and made out with me. I pushed him away at one point to ask: "So, what are you into? Are you a Dom?" He responded with: "I'm into a lot of things. Yes, I'm Dom, how could you tell? Haha! And I know you're a sub."

He asked me: "Do you like being slapped?" I thought he  meant on my ass--I thought he meant spanking. I said, "Yes, very much so." 

He held my throat for a moment, and then slapped me across the face. 

(Is what happened to me my fault if I admit that I wanted to kiss him)

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where this was going. I suddenly could not speak, and my body went limp. He slapped my face a few more times. Then he started to take my underwear off. And he slid his fingers inside... 

Slow at first, but eventually, quick and hard and painful. He was still fully clothed, kneeling on top of. I didn't know what to do or how to get away. Then he noticed I was bleeding. And he stopped. I felt like fainting.

My blood saved me. 

(Is what happened to me my fault if I admit that I wanted to kiss him)

He said we could keep going, but I lied and said I needed to get home--it was late after all. He flung my bra at me. I must have scoffed at this, because he said: "What? You seem really uncomfortable." Scared and shaken, I said to him: "No, I'm just really tired. That's all. I should go."

I put my clothes on, and he walked me downstairs to the front door. He leaned in to kiss me goodbye. 

As I left, I noticed he still hadn't washed my blood off of his fingers. And then I remembered what he said to me as I was getting dressed: "You better believe I'm going to jerk off to you when you leave."

His orgasm was my pain.

(Is what happened to me my fault if I admit that I wanted to kiss him)

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