Hi. Oh. My face is up here. Right. Thanks.

Listen, we have to have a talk. You need to know (and care) about the kind of shit you're putting out there with your less-than favorable dating profile. Lucky for you, I'm gonna break it down. In fact, I'm gonna make it so easy... I'm just gonna list the things you SHOULDN'T do:

 

DON'T

  • post 5 pictures of yourself with 20 other people. I can't figure out who's who, and honestly? I shouldn't have to work that hard. Good god. Also, if I end up thinking one of your friends is better looking than you, that does't work to your advantage. Capisce?
  • post any pictures of you holding up your shirt or you shirtless. I won't be returning the favor in my pictures. Also, it just seems vain. I'm all for self-love and high confidence, but show me that in other ways--not just your goddamn drawn-on abs.
  • list "sex" or "women" as a favorite hobby or activity. When you list "sex" as a favorite hobby, all I see is: "Dude either can't get laid enough, or dude is a legit sex addict." I've dated a sex addict before--it's not a fun time. Any guy who lists "sex" as a hobby on his profile is a HUGE red flag to me. And don't list "Women" either--we are not hobbies, you asshole.
  • refer to yourself as "a nice guy." THE BIGGEST RED FLAG EVER. If you have to say you are a "nice guy", then you're not. #truism
  • tell me your "good in bed." Guess what? You say that, I'm gonna go ahead and think you're actually awful in bed. 
  • message me when you know I'm NOT interested. Example: on my profile, I say, "DON'T message me if you meet any of the following criteria: 1) you're a Republican, 2) we have less than a 75% match, and 3) you have a picture of yourself lifting up your shirt." Needless to say, I STILL get messages from guys who meet ALL THREE CRITERIA, which obviously tells me you don't actually read my profile, you just look at my pics and think you wanna fuck me. I'm DTF, but not casually, mmkay? Leave me alone.
  • message me about a threesome. Look, you have your idea of a "good time" and I'll have mine: fucking some hot dude, and then blissfully falling asleep to The Golden Girls on TV.
  • message me with the ridiculous, "Hey baby, you're so sexy. What are you up to?" What I'm UP to is not ever fucking you. Never. Ever. Not even for pay... okay, MAYBE for pay, but it would cost a lot. 

I really hope ya'll learned something from this. If anything, I hope you at least glanced on this page for 5 seconds before you went to jerk off to whatever fucked up porn you watch. 

Sincerely,
Lachrista, HBiC [Head Bitch in Charge]

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