I've been on medication since I was 17. I'm now 30. I've never been off of Zoloft as an adult, but does it matter?
I'm tired. I'm tired of this idea that I may be a totally different person off of my medication. Maybe that's true for some medications and for some people, but I feel very much like myself. I feel very much like who I was before the medication. But even if I didn't... even if I felt different... would that be so terrible?
I'm tired. I'm tired of reading or hearing about "success" stories from people who no longer need their medication; how they're now "cured"; how "different" they are off their meds. Is my life not a "success" story because I still take medication daily? Am I more of a "failure" than these other people because I continue to take Zoloft?
I was put on Zoloft at 17 after my three best friends ostracized me from their group. They told me not to sit with them at lunch anymore. I started eating lunch in the girls' gym locker room. I had my first experience with depression during this time, and my anxiety increased. I became agoraphobic. I got physically ill, dealt with an eating disorder, and was out of school for four months.
My doctor put me on too high of a dose initially, and all I could do was sleep. I enjoyed it though. It gave my brain a rest. I was more happy being asleep than awake. The Zoloft initially made me completely forget what I was worried about. I remember thinking: "Wait, I was worried about something... what was it?" Granted, this was just the "honeymoon" period, and my anxieties did return, but they were lessened. I was able to go back to school. I was able to live again. I was able to enjoy being awake.
So, what's wrong with still being on this medication that has helped me immensely? Why does society teach me that I need to get off of it in order to be a success? I have a chemical imbalance that makes it more difficult for me to live in this world compared to others who don't share this chemical imbalance.
I'm not dead yet, so I'd say I'm a goddamn success.