I'm newly single, and getting myself "back out there" (ugh, gross, that phrase). Anyway, the caliber of cis, heterosexual men is... low, very, very fucking low. 

When I lived in Chicago, I met a lot of men through online dating. I moved there for graduate school, and because my program (Women's & Gender Studies) of course had no cishet men in it, I used the internet, and boy, was it a ride. 

Dating then was basically how I was able to eat a decent meal every weekend (sometimes even twice in one weekend!), because these dudes would most always pay for me, even if I was like, "No, really, it's cool bro, I got my financial aid money right here", they were like, "Nah grrrl, I got you." So I let them.

One man I met was in an open marriage (like, for real, his wife also had a profile online). Another guy showed up completely drunk to our first meeting, so that was interesting. He was a guy I ended up dating off and on for 2 years (look, I really wanted to get laid, and the sex was good, ok?) Then I met a man who called me a "whore" after he had asked me how many people I've slept with (typical first date conversation, ya know?) He yelled at me as I left the bar, and I ran all the way home, somewhat tipsy, but coherent enough that I hoped he wasn't coming after me. Then I met a dude who I made out with underneath the El in Wicker Park, and later found his mugshot online under possession charges. 

Back in Madison, I've done the online dating thing off and on. I dated a 37-year-old single father, who, though hilarious, definitely didn't know what he wanted, and the sounds he made while going down on me were... not attractive. Then I dated a major hipster vegan dude who called himself a "feminist ally" (hint: he wasn't). He wore glasses, was tall, bald, and shortly after we began dating got a vasectomy. We argued about that shitty Macklemore song "Same Love" (he thought it was great, I was like, no, shut up, who are you. He was real indignant about it). He broke up with me online after not having talked to me for a week straight.

Then I met the ex, and I saw stars... until I realized those stars were fake and he was a liar, a cheater, dishonest, disrespectful, etc, etc. 

And now I'm back to trying to date again. I haven't met anyone yet. I've met a few dudes online, but not yet in person. I am... needless to say... quite cautious. 

The thing is, I DO wanna get laid. I DO wanna be in another relationship (at some point). But I'm also trying to feel what I'm feeling--and not run from it. And at this point, how much of me would be just "using" another person? I think most of me. It's hard to sit and feel what we feel. It's hard to not want things to shift DRAMATICALLY. But I am trying my best to stand still in a culture that tells me I should probably be married and having my 2nd kid already (I am 28 and a half, after all). 

The best thing I can do for me (and for anyone at this point) is to GET LAID. No, just kidding, it's actually to stay still--to reflect--to move on--to meet new people and see what happens (without any expectations). 

It's okay, anyways--I have my Hitachi Magic Wand to keep me warm at night :)

Comment