I have made a lot of changes in the past two months, and if you're a person with anxiety, you know change REALLY can fuck us up for a time. Well, that's happening to me. 

Two months ago, I found out I was fruit intolerant (and preservative intolerant). I've cut out all fruit (aside from melon--I can have any type, as well as rhubarb, and tomatoes). I feel physically much better, but now my mental health is waning, and it's scaring me. I haven't been this anxious in two to three years. 

Changing my diet has always brought about uneasiness and anxiety. When I was first majorly stomach sick in high school, I was put on a liquid diet. Anytime I feel "food restricted", my anxiety creeps up to say, "It's because you're super sick just like in high school." It then has a tendency to go into a disordered eating realm of, "Oh, well, I guess I just won't eat anything because I'm afraid food will make me feel terrible."

It's exhausting. And unhealthy. 

I haven't stopped eating at this point. I'm actually able to eat quite a bit of things (not EVERYTHING has preservatives in it, thank god), but I feel my anxiety pulling me in that unhealthy direction. 

I hold almost all of my trauma in my stomach. People say this is because of experiences I've had that were not easily digestible (I'm sure we've all had these). I keep racking my brain for what, exactly, is stored there. What is there that I need to release? I don't know, which only feeds my anxiety even more. Perhaps my stomach is just where my anxiety chooses to rest its head. 

I have trauma stored in my throat (from my first rape at 18); I have trauma stored in my vagina (from being raped the 2nd and 3rd time), but my stomach... there is nothing for me to pin it on. I'm sure the trauma of 3 rapes has not helped my stomach. I'm sure I store some of that there. Those experiences were definitely not digestible. I've worked really diligently at releasing the trauma from my throat and my vagina, and of course, it took a long time, but in many ways, I'm out of its grasp. However, my stomach... nothing seems to help. 

I see a naturopath, I see a therapist, I see a psychiatrist, I see an acupuncturist. Things have helped me in fragments, but nothing has helped the "whole" of me.  Maybe I'll never be 100%, but I really want to be. 

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