I need some hope

I need some hope. 

Because I'm no longer swimming--I'm just floating. And I don't want to just float. 

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm almost 29. I'm not where I thought I would be. (I don't know where I thought I would be.)

A grrrl with abandonment issues is common, right? 

I'm tired of fucking just to fuck. I'm tired of men who only see me as something to try on for the night.

All I want is love. All I want is to fall in love. All I want is for that same person to fall in love with me.

I thought I had that.

But he was just a shadow. He wasn't real.

I am changed. I am different. I will never be the same.

Good and bad, I guess.

Some days, I can't stand to live in the same world as him.

Some days, I just want any man.

Some days, I don't want to have a heart.

Then I feel like a brat.

Then I feel ungrateful.

Then I feel like... it's not that big of a deal--my pain.

Everyone has pain.

 

And at night, I wonder...

Who will break my heart next time? 

I friend requested "the other woman"

"Selfie" a few hours before being broken up with

"Selfie" a few hours before being broken up with

I was broken up with this past May. Little did I know, my ex had been cheating on me with another woman for over a month. 

A month after the breakup, I found out my ex had cheated on me for (minimally) a little over a month. When he broke up with me, he said, "I just don't have the time for a relationship. I shouldn't be dating anyone." I now know he said this while already in a relationship with someone else. I now know he was fucking her when he came over for Easter brunch at my parent's house. They met at his work. He told her he was single. She graduated from my same high school in 2010. Learning all of this took the breath right out of me.

A week ago, I found out he is also addicted to cocaine, and has been doing "tons" of it. I had suspected some alcohol dependency issues, but not fucking coke. I never saw him do it. But now I think back... he complained about having allergies; he sniffled off and on; everything is questioned in my mind. People have asked me, "How could you not know?!" Addicts are people, too. Addicts are not a monolith. 

He has already broken up with the woman he cheated on me with, because, evidently, she wouldn't give him money for coke. I reached out to her, because we have an acquaintance in common, and the acquaintance seemed to think this woman would feel good about my extending an olive branch. And truthfully, I felt like engaging in some community accountability regarding this man. I messaged the other woman saying, "I'm sorry my ex hurt you, and I'm sorry he hurt me, too." I sent her a friend request, too, because I wanted to make sure she saw my message--and since Facebook does that thing where, if you message someone you're not friends with the message goes into their "Other" folder, I decided to friend her. She never responded, but a couple of hours later I received a text from my ex: "Really? You have nothing better to do than to try to friend my friends? Stay clear." Obviously, "the other woman" contacted him. Also, it’s quite clear that he doesn’t know who his friends are, since she is how I found out about his cheating, lying, and coke using.

I texted him back saying, "I really, really, really hope you get the help you need for your addiction. I'm sorry you felt the need to cheat on me with her for all of April. And don't worry, I won't try to friend any of your friends. I want nothing to do with you. I hope you get help before you hurt anyone else or yourself." I waited. No response. Then I blocked him from all forms of communication.

I felt like I wanted to help this 22-year-old; this young woman; this baby who was intoxicated by a 36-year-old man who seemingly had his shit together. I felt immense compassion for this woman. I don't know why... maybe it was just because this man fucked me, and then went and fucked her, and vice versa. Maybe I felt her there. Maybe I felt her still lingering.

Part of me regrets contacting her, but I know I would regret it more if I hadn't. It felt necessary. People rarely have compassion for "the other woman"--she is to be hated. But how could I hate someone who was also being lied to? If I'm going to hate anyone, it's him. All the way, him. He broke my trust. He broke it all. She was just along for the (coke-fueled) ride.

I'm not sure how she feels about me, but I wish her no ill-will or harm. She is human. She took my breath away.

UPOPULAR OPINION: I have loads of student loan debt, and I don't feel bad about it

Anyone else read the shitshow that was this article? I did, and I’m furious.

Let’s break it down for the author of that piece: not everyone is able to a) live at home; b) have their parents/grandparents/hilarious uncle pay for their education. Mine couldn’t. My grandfather had just enough money to cover my brother’s undergrad (first born male, so duh), but not mine. 

Get this: some people don't have families. Some people don't have money. Some people can barely eat. Going to college is a privilege when it should be a right. 

I was fortunate enough to attend two private schools for college and grad school, and much of my decision with this was because the private schools I chose had an exceptionally good Disability Services office (I have two learning disabilities). So not only is the author of that original piece incredibly privileged, she’s also ableist as fuck. Going to a state school was not an option for me, because my ACT scores were considered "awful." The author is also white. Not once does she mention the racial, gender, and class inequities that people experience.

I don’t care that she doesn’t feel “bad” for me or for people like me who have loads of loan debt. I don’t feel bad for me either. I actually don’t give a shit about it, because I’m happy with my choices. I will most likely die before completely paying off my debt. I’m in good company, though, because it is a fucking RARITY to NOT have student loan debt in this country.

You’re extremely lucky if you don’t have student loan debt. You’re extremely privileged. ACKNOWLEDGE this privilege. ACKNOWLEDGE that it is impossible for everyone to do as you do. 

I question what kind of institution the author attended, seeing as how it obviously did not expand or grow her mind in any way, shape, or form. She may have been better off not going to college at all.

Up North

The super moon over the water in Lutsen, Minnesota. Also, you'll notice the clouds spell out "Luce" which means "Light." MAGIC.

The super moon over the water in Lutsen, Minnesota. Also, you'll notice the clouds spell out "Luce" which means "Light." MAGIC.

I just got back from Minnesota yesterday, and I'm happy to be home, but I miss the North!

I didn't do too much in St. Paul (besides hang out with relatives--my grandma is kind of a badass), but then my cousin, Kayla, and I drove up to Grand Marais, and that's where I felt like magic. 

The road trip to Grand Marais was fun. Kayla and I blasted The Donnas for most of the ride, and had deep-cousin-talks. It was really special to share this time with her. 

We met many colorful people on our journey: a man named Mike who had two heartattacks, a woman named Melissa who was an artist, a man named John who worked for the Outward Bound program. I drank the best Bloody Mary of my life at cute rooftop bar in Grand Marais (there was a large shrimp in it!)

We stopped for Coconut Cream pie in Two Harbors at the infamous, Betty's Pies, on the way to Grand Marais. There was about a 45-minute wait, but it was worth it! 

Grand Marais

Grand Marais

Gorgeous Grand Marais

Gorgeous Grand Marais

It was so busy up north that we almost didn't have a place to stay! Luckily, there was an opening at the Lutsen Resort (where my moon picture was taken!) 

The weather was beautiful--just how I like it--cool and sunny :)

I would love to go back up there and spend more time. It was so relaxing and majestic.

My cousin (on right) and I

My cousin (on right) and I

Soul Cleanse, Because Why Not?

I know, I know. It sounds weird. It sounds like some hippy-dippy type of shit (I'm into that type of shit, though, let's be real), but I am about to embark on a SOUL cleanse, ya'll! Join me? Ok, I'll tell you more about it first :)

Cara over at Balance In The 'Burbs, wrote about this recently (which is how I stumbled upon it. Here's what it is in a nutshell: eliminating what isn't needed in your life, and illuminating what is. 

To start, make a list of everything that is working for you and everything that is working against you (or just plain not working). Then, choose to eliminate one item per week from the "Things Not Working" list. When writing your lists, make sure to be realistic of what you can eliminate. For example, maybe you hate your job, but it's probably not feasible for you to up and quit immediately, but you can begin searching for a new one. Ok, let's do this! Here are my lists: 


Things Working:

  • yoga wherever whenever
  • meditation
  • bedroom dancing
  • friend hangouts
  • GF stuff (except when it's hella stressful--which sometimes feels like it's ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME)
  • blogging

Things Not Working:

  • lack of sleep
  • health anxiety
  • trying to control outcomes


So, I will be attempting to work on the first item (lack of sleep) this week. I'm going to break 'em all down for you, in terms of "Problem" and "Solution", much like Cara did on her blog. 


Problem: Lack of sleep

Solution: Easy. Go to fucking bed at a decent hour. I typically go to sleep around midnight, and need to be up by 7:15am. Maybe this is fine for some people, but this bitch here needs more sleep. Also, taking into account the fact that it sometimes takes me 1 hour to 2 hours to fall asleep. My goal is to bed in bed by 10pm on weeknights. CAN I DO IT THO? I'll report back.


Problem: Health anxiety

Solution: God. This is going to be fucking difficult. I'm not even quite sure how I'll do this. So, here's the deal... I have MAJOR anxiety (diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder--I take Zoloft, etc). Primarily, my anxiety manifests itself as physical symptoms. I freak out about getting ill, I freak out when I am ill, I freak out about getting ill again--it's an exhausting, vicious cycle. I've talked to my therapist so goddamn much about this, and we've both come to the conclusion that me talking about my anxieties does not always help. In fact, it sometimes is detrimental. Because it then becomes an obsession. I spend too much time perseverating, which just makes the symptoms feel worse, etc. My goal for this is to talk less about it (or not talk at all about it), and find things to distract myself. 


Problem: Trying to control outcomes

Solution: I am such the stereotypical anxious person. Ugh. For this one, any time I feel the need/desire/etc to "control" something, I'm going to immediately direct my attention elsewhere. Maybe meditate. Maybe move my body (yoga, dance, walking, etc). 


That's it for now. Anyone want to embark on this soul "cleanse" with me? What isn't working for you in your life right now?